Tuesday, July 29, 2014

An Open Letter To Karma



http://www.tarotista.biz/
Dear Karma,

I’m not sure what I did earlier in this life or in one of my past lives to piss you off, but you suck. Every time I think I’m starting to make a little progress (and I’m not even hoping for ‘getting ahead of the game’ status), you come along and kick the ladder out from under me. And that ladder is perched over a tall, scary cliff that ends in a pool of hungry crocodiles and (wo)man eating swamp rats. All surrounded by poison ivy and crazy, navigationally challenged fruit bats. This is your equivalent to the nine levels of hell with a Disney twist, isn’t it?

Waking up and finding I’m 35 cents in the hole in my account when I have to buy bread was a bummer. Going out to the truck to find someone slashed one of my tires was more of a throat punch. Do you know how hard it is to buy a tire when you can’t even rub together two nickels? But the real kick in the crotch was your evil little bait and switch when the hubby was told to expect a $6 an hour pay raise and gets blindsided with a $2 an hour pay raise. I’m just beside myself giddy that we paid $700 to get him that coveted Class A CDL with all endorsements so his boss would promise him a big pay raise.

And let’s talk about this little thing called my writing career for a moment. You know I’ve been working towards it and dreaming about it since I was old enough to hold a crayon and write a coherent sentence. So, why the hell do you keep dropping traumatic life crap in my way to side track me and make me shelve my dream? Are you shooting for revenge AND a steaming pile of depression? It’s working in case you haven’t noticed.

I’d really like to see YOU get a dish of your own medicine. Or at least throw me a bone and tell me that I’ll win the lottery (the sooner the better) and will have to deal with all the horrible effects of living on a private island in the tropics (cabana boy included). I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I’d even settle for one good year for every two shitty years. Because, as it stands right now, I’m looking at a 5 for 1 deal and it’s sucking to the core.

I know if you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a million times; you are a bitch. I can only imagine you sitting on your comfy chaise lounge, sipping a refreshing fruity drink and laughing your sadistic ass off while watching the world cry behind your designer shades. Yeah, I’m hating you a little bit right about now. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that my living another day is you not winning that one. 

So, enjoy that drink that I’ve paid for with my blood, sweat, and tears. One of these days, I’ll be sitting next to you, checking out the hot, male swimsuit model, swilling down top shelf whiskey all while signing autographs for my latest best seller. Keep that chair open for me, I’ll be there eventually.

Much love,
A bitch that takes a beating but keeps on ticking.

27 comments:

  1. A-freaking-men to this! Awesome job my friend, and so very true.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, MJ. And I bet you know exactly how I feel. :D

      Delete
  2. Sounds like karma deserved this rant. Because karma sure has been a bitch to a lot of undeserving people lately, and that is not how it's supposed to work! Sorry to hear all of this, but I loved the way you were able to take those challenges and make them seem funny...great piece.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Stephanie! And I was nice and left out the part about the batshit crazy lady (ladies) on Facebook. :D Glad you liked it.

      Delete
    2. I did notice that you left out that fun! Probably a good call - best to leave batshit alone! : )

      Delete
    3. I didn't want any more drama over that crap. :D

      Delete
  3. Hey, get outta my head! Get outta my head! Terrye I raise my glass of very cheap alcohol to toast to your awesomeness. It's gotta get better, it's just gotta...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love ya, soul sister! We'll get there one of these days. And then, it'll be a party for the ages! :D

      Delete
  4. I know what you mean Terrye...I figure I must have been a HUGE prick that had WAY too much fun in a previous life...cause I sure as Hell am paying for it THIS go round!!!
    Nicely done BTW! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It makes you wonder, don't it? And since you're trying so hard to be good in this life, do you think your next life will be better? Better not chance it, act up a little and spread some mischievous shit! :D

      Delete
  5. I really enjoyed this post. Not in the whole enjoying your misfortunes way. Karma does have a lot to answer to. I find myself being an asshole by default just because karma will always fu** me anyway

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I LOVE the way you think. And there are days I just can't help myself and go out of my way to kick that dog just so Karma has something else to hate me for. ;)

      Delete
  6. Yes, yes, HOLY SHIT YES! I often wonder who the fuck I pissed off in this life or another life for shit to be so damn difficult at times.

    We work hard and strive to be good people. Why can't we catch a break or five once in awhile?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because you are dammed for your evil, vile, slutty ways you child of satan! :D

      Delete
    2. Awwww shit! So that's what it is?! Son of a bitch!

      Delete
  7. Karma and I are on a first-name basis, but I swear I didn't send her to your house. I'd never do that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tell the truth, you'd send that bitch to my front door with a 6 pack and a box of donuts!

      Delete
  8. I think you meant to write an open letter to Mr. Murphy, because Karma only kicks ass on bad people who deserve it. And I know you're not a bad person nor do you deserve it! Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Amy! I'm glad my "good person" facade is working...to a majority, any way.:D

      Delete
  9. Hi, I left a really long comment. And then the internets ate it in the true fashion that is Karma.

    Something about these could have been my words exactly. Something something obituaries and surgery waiting rooms and court dates and not having time to write and something else and Karma is a bitch and something else.

    It was good but meh- who wants to rewrite shit?

    Karma is fun!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And that right there is proof positive that karma is toying with our very lives because she's a cold, heartless, bored bitch.

      I'm sorry da internets ate your post. But you do write some pretty tasty words. :D

      Delete
  10. This post is a crying shame. It is beautifully written. Factual. To the point. And truth oozes out of every word in this point.

    Problem is, I think Karma was in the john dropping a deuce when you wrote it so I really don't know how much attention Karma was paying to you at the time.

    Karma does that to me all the time when I complain.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO! I'm betting you are SO right on that one. But it sure felt good to vent and get my pissy face done with. :D

      Delete
  11. OMG! Way to tell it. I've joined your blog. Thanks for following me on twitter. Looking forward to your posts and tweets.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Stephanie! It's my pleasure and thank you so much for checking out and joining my crazy rants. :D

      Delete
  12. Fuck karma. She is an evil bitch that deserves a good beating. So glad you got this off your chest. Great post and now that she got her ass handed to her I hope she knows who's in charge now!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! Thanks, Phil! Like taking off a bra after the end of a VERY long and trying day, it felt good to get that rant off my chest. ;)

      Delete