Thursday, July 17, 2014

Ten Things to Avoid When Flying

I want to welcome a very special guest blogger to Asshat Rants. She's been MIA for awhile. I heard rumors of a covert ops somewhere in an undisclosed location. Thankfully, she made it back in one or more pieces and is back to writing. To celebrate, she's doing a blog tour. And we're lucky enough to be destination B on her way to CrazyVille. Please welcome the non-sparkly Starr Bryson! [Cue applause sign]

Recently, I went home to Tucson to be with my Dad when his health was failing, as well as spend time with my family and friends.  I work from home and the Tinys were with their father, so I was able to spend three weeks back home. 

Those stories are for another day. 

Tucson is approximately 2200 miles from where I live in Pittsburgh.  I made that drive twice in the last year.  Again, stories for another day.  I didn’t want to drive it this time, so I flew.

The flight from PA to Arizona went smoothly without a hitch.  The flight back home was the flight from hell, an experience I never wish to live again.  (Except for those two hours in P.F. Chang’s- but that’s also a story for another day.)

If you’re planning on flying in the near future, I have some tips to help you avoid experiencing the same hell I did.  Following are the Insomniacs Top Ten Things to Avoid When Flying.   You’re welcome.

  1. Do not sit next to a disgusting pig who spends the next two hours smacking loudly while chewing his food, picking his teeth, scratching at his nasty dry skin, and rooting through his nose for a green nugget.  Because when he finds that treasure, folks, he’s going to inspect it long enough to make you gag, and then wipe it on the seat.
  2. Don’t be a cheap ass and opt out of the extra $20 to check your luggage.  Dragging that shit around the airport while also balancing your laptop bag you’ve crammed your purse into is hard enough.  Try lifting that bitch into the overhead.  Back straining, arms unable to lift something that heavy that high, sweating like a whore in a church . . . it’s not worth it.  Which brings me to:
  3. You don’t have to pack 5 books.  You won’t read that many books, trust me.  You don’t need the entire contents of your closet, bathroom, and desk either.  It just makes for a heavy bag and an uncomfortable time while you’re running back and forth through the airport.  See #4
  4. If you’re flight is delayed, and they tell you your gate has moved, don’t rush.  Running through the airport just makes you look desperate and sad.  Besides, they’re going to change your gate five more times, each time further away than the last.  Sit tight and ask where the gate is five minutes before boarding. Better yet, visit P.F. Chang’s and have a few pre-flight drinks.  These will help you get through #10.
  5.  Do not accept the in flight snacks.  They’re not even tasty, and they just make your throat parched and your tongue feel like the Arizona dessert. 
  6. Accept only one drink offered in flight.  See #5 on tips to avoid needing so many beverages.  This is especially important if you are not on the aisle seat, typically pee once an hour, and can’t hold your bladder.  Climbing over two other people that often will annoy them.  You become “that girl”.
  7. Be careful in the aisles, especially if you are well endowed in either the breast or ass department.  To avoid aisle travel see #6.  These aisles are tiny, crafted for skinny bitches.  Even if you try to crab walk sideways, you are going to bump many people in the head with your tits, and knock into laptops, protruding arms, and knock someone’s drink over with your big booty. 
  8. Don’t ever fly when it’s storming.  Because hearing these words from your Captain, after circling in the air for two hours waiting to land, is never a good feeling, “Folks,  this your Captain speaking.  We’re still unable to land.  We should have enough fuel to last out this storm.”  Did he say should?
  9. Don’t sit in a window seat.  See #6.  Also, there’s something on the wing.
  10. Do not, under any circumstances, ever board a plane where 90% of the passengers are members of the same Baptist Church just flying back after their successful mission to some third world country. These assholes are all pumped up on God, Jesus, and the fact that they’ve just changed the world and made it a better place.  And for fuck’s sake, don’t mention that you’re Wiccan.  Unless you really WANT to spend the next four hours stuck in a metal box a thousand miles in the air listening to the Word of God and fending off all of the advances of “well meaning” Christians who want to save you. 

There you have it, folks.  Follow my ten easy steps, avoid all of these pitfalls, and your next flight will be a breeze!


Starr works from her home in Pittsburgh as the content manager for OpenPotion Web Design.  When she’s not busy raising her two teen boys to be the next best selling graphic novel team, she can be found writing non-stop (ever chasing that dream of publishing a book) or consistently avoiding writing.   Starr aspires to be a Vampire when she grows up.  Her claim to fame is her caustic wit, copious swears, and an ongoing battle with insomnia.  You can find her all over the internet and in a couple of books on Amazon.

Read more from Starr at The Insomniacs Dream.  Like her on FaceBook, Follow her on Twitter, Stalk her on G+, or Pin her on Pinterest.


  1. If only the majority of this were controllable. She is dead on balls accurate though...

  2. I'd rather be on a flight with ONLY mouth-breathing loud chewers than religious people. I'm betting all the men and probably most of the women didn't mind being in the head in with your flotation devices.
    p.s. little-known tip. You can request to check your bag AT THE GATE for free. As long as it's the carry-on SIZE, they will not charge you and will be happy to check it under the plane, right where the rest of the luggage is. The overhead bins gets full and they have to do that ANYWAY, so they're more than happy to just take one of your carry-ons off your hands. Though you do have to pick it up at Baggage Claim, but no charge.

  3. I am forever hitting people with one body part or another. I prefer window seat with the boyfriend sitting as a before between me and stranger danger.

  4. And this is all why I prefer to drive.

    Though I could probably deal with the the loud chewers if I had to. The religious zealots not so much.

  5. Maybe if you'd accepted Jesus into your life, he would've made your flight better. KIDDING!!

  6. This is one reason I love flying red eye - especially for overseas flights...I think sometimes the events in the airport are just as bizarre as the ride itself. Seem to meet some odd characters in there. Went to a cafe in the Brussels airport and had a glass of wine and was approached by a Jehovah's witness - armed of course with literature about the dangers of drinking...gotta love that when you're on a 13 hour layover...sheesh!

  7. Now I can't wait for my flight to San Jose on Wed via Southwest...basically I am screwed aren't I?

  8. I always think that one of the few benefits of flying is that, at some point during the flight, some buxom lady will push her boobs or ass towards me - don't judge me!