Why Some Bloggers Become Bloggers

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I’ve had a love/hate relationship with writing for more years than I can count. But it was a comfortable association because it was just between the two of us. Until I discovered blogging. Then it got a whole lot more complicated. Suddenly, it was out there for the whole world to see. Not that many people ever stumbled onto my blog, but that’s their loss.

Much like a fugly guy that finds out there are actually TWO women in the world wanting to sleep with him, I eagerly embraced blogging while placating the writing. How’s the ugly one going to say no? He can’t because that would be giving up his two chances of having sex before he faces the big “FIN” at the end of his life’s movie. I couldn’t say no to blogging or writing. They each filled a need that the other one couldn’t fill.

For several years, I cheated on writing with blogging. Some people don’t see the difference, but there ARE differences. Not all writers are bloggers. And there are many, many, MANY bloggers that will never be writers. Not even if you shoved a dictionary and a thesaurus up their ass while lecturing them on sentence structure and verb versus adverb.

I yearned to connect with other bloggers. And I did. Some were amazing human beings and we struck up wonderful friendships. Others, well, they can rot in a fiery pit as the hounds of hell munch on their charred bones.

I started to notice that there were a vast number of blogger types, but the ones that annoyed me and stuck out were: 

1. No Friends. These are the poor, lost souls that have always been alone. They were ignored in school and always had to eat lunch by themselves because everyone conveniently scooted over to make it look like there wasn’t any room at the table for their pathetic lameness. I wouldn’t know about that, I was usually eating lunch in the school’s newspaper office or at my desk in the JROTC office (where I was a company commander). I was an out of placed nerd even in the nerd community. 

2. Wannabe Writers. I don’t think there is a person on this planet, even in the back woods of Alabama or the jungles of Africa, that hasn’t read a blog so horrible that they wished they could reach through the screen and slap the sorry ass that wrote it. We want those moments back that we wasted on your sorry excuse for a blog. Shame on you for the butchering of language. And you should be arrested and flogged for the abuse of innocent words. They were there for you and you killed them! Do you kick puppies for fun?

3. Get Rich Quick. I don’t know what glittery farts they’ve been sniffing, but getting rich by blogging is about as rare as the unicorn those farts came from. You gotta suck a lot of blog [bleep] to make it in the blogosphere and most of the bloggers around these parts would rather eat ramen noodles three times a day than be a blog-ho. Well, mostly. I could name names, but I’m keeping my little black book (and accompanying explicit photos) for future blackmailing purposes. I know who you are and what you did last post.

4. Desperately Needs to Get Laid. Also known as attention whores. These are the worst. They blog to fill some empty void in their lives. I don’t know if they feel like their spouse, kids (or lack thereof), friends, fur babies (grow up, they're freaking animals, not offspring!), neighbors, drug dealer on the corner, etc. are ignoring them, but they blog to draw attention to themselves. So, they rush around to every blog under the sun and blow happy horseshit up the blogger’s skirt in hopes that the blogger will return the favor and crap a comment on their wretched little blog. Until the day comes that they’ve kissed so much ass that they start to believe they now walk on water. Truth be told, most of those other bloggers are only doing it out of guilt of the ‘blogger’s code.’ (Blogger’s code is to return the comment favor or risk being marked as a snobby biznitch).

Once these bloggers reach that point, they look down on all other bloggers with despise like one would look at a grimy beggar asking for a dollar. And heaven help you if you should disagree with them or call them out either on purpose or inadvertently (they also tend to be slightly paranoid). They get all butt hurt at the drop of a hat and rally the battle cry to all other bloggers to defend their honor and attack the honest blogger. It’s a blogger eat blogger world out there, my friend, and some of us are wearing strawberry flavored edible undies. 

After I was exposed to the vile underbelly of blogging, I took a long, hard look at the reason I was blogging. Then I poured myself a triple Crown’n’Coke and gave it the one finger salute.  Then I swallowed my pride, crawled back to writing and apologized for all I was worth. It was degrading. It was liberating. But it was worth it. My fans hated me for a whole minutes (I’m being generous with the time), but they got over it. Now I’m off to bigger and better. And they can still get their addictions filled, but now it’s gonna cost them $2.99.

#blogging #fakes #furbabies #assholes #edibleundies #getrichquick #patheticlosers