Seven Questions for Seven Bloggers

What happens when you mix a little bit of boredom and a triple Crown & Coke on a Friday night?

Thankfully, this time, it didn’t result in waking up in the back seat of a strange car and pushing off a sweaty, smelly, sex crazed MJ. Instead, the little writer voice sharing space with my grey matter thought it would be a great idea to ask seven incredibly talented bloggers (well, the ones that still talk to me, anyway) a bunch of questions.

And before you bitch that there are eight bloggers answering, we’ll call Phil the bonus, because he always brings a little something extra to the party.

Now on to the mayhem. And if you enjoyed their answers, please hop on over to their various blogs. And if you really want to show them some love in a stalker kinda way, follow them on twitter and Facebook. How do you think I found them?


1. Describe your greatest fear and why it scares you. I only ask so that I can laugh at you later.

Rich: My greatest fear is winning "The Bachelor". Not that I'm homophobic, but the thought of dead roses and failed relationships after the show is over is just something my cardiac system can't handle at this stage in my life. My second greatest fear is Bill Cosby admitting he drugged me and gave my body to Fat Albert.

Gary: I’ve two major fears: heights and enclosed spaces. So mountaineering and potholing will never find their way onto my bucket list.

Also, I used to have a fear of vaginas. My friends called me a right pussy, but eventually I managed to overcome it by facing it head on and plunging in at the deep end!

Stacy: My greatest fear is death. I know that sounds like a cop out answer, but it is true. I don't fear death itself, I fear the after affects. For instance, if I were to get into an accident and die, someone would have to go through all my stuff. The secrets in my closet scare me, therefore death scares me. I often wonder what people would think about me when they go through my stuff. Would they judge me - absolutely. So would someone please make sure if they find the box entitled "Box o Fun" that they just throw it out without looking!!!!

Eric: My greatest fear is that Kanye West is proof that the Zombie Apocalypse has already begun and I haven't built my fully stocked, apocalypse shelter on stilts yet.

Stephanie: Mascots are about the only thing that scare me. There is some footage of me jumping at least three rows and about 50 people to get away from one at a Sugarland Skeeters baseball game last year. Before you judge me, you should see this green, pointy nosed monstrosity. Why I have this fear…some douche bag mascot for the Houston Rockets took his name too literally and Clutched my ass at a sports bar…I decked him and it was my first experience at the Harris County Jail…so yeah, screw you mascots!

Jen: I had to think long and hard (that's what she said) about this one. I'm going to go with getting stuck outside in a snow storm and freezing to death, but being too cold to be able to put myself into an awkward position. I don't want to be found by a rescue team curled into a ball with a whiny look on my face. I want to look excited to see them through my giant ice cube. Kind of like greeting your best friend getting off an airplane after you haven't seen them in a decade. Or, better yet, with my pants around my ankles and a look of shock because the police caught me pooping on a bald eagle.

Starr: Spiders are my biggest fear. They are evil demon spawns of Satan on eight legs of hell. Spiders are silently plotting to take over the world, one web at a time. While they’re busily spinning those gossamer strands to distract us, we are just one step closer to annihilation.

(I wrote a story about this once- it’s fucking true and fact.)

Phil: Living a boringly dreadful life in the suburbs. I'm sorry, and I know I'll get some flack for this, but I find suburban living comparable to retiring in Florida to watch the wallpaper peel and wait to die. I lived in the burbs for a bit and the overabundance of chain restaurants, lack of culture, nightlife, and mass transit is no way to live for me. I love not having to drive anywhere, having a choice of great eateries, hitting a terrific speakeasy for some cocktails, attending a cool event late night, boozy brunch on weekends, Broadway, etc, and all kinds of other things the burbs just can't offer. Living life otherwise to someone like me is akin to a slow death. My life in NYC is amazing, and I never want to give it up. The suburbs are a scary place to me.

2. If you could ask any politician a single question, living or dead, who would it be and what would your question be?

Rich: I think I would awaken John F. Kennedy from the dead and ask him if Marilyn Monroe was as good in bed as she looked, or if Richard Nixon was better.

Gary: I’d ask Bill Clinton what he was thinking while he was humping Monica Lewinsky. Did he really delude himself into believing that the woman - almost 30 years his junior - cooing and whimpering under his thrusting 49-year-old hairy arse, was actually enjoying herself rather than strategically furthering her political career?

Stacy: I hate politics. I hate political discussions! So this question proves to be really difficult for me. The best I can come up with is... George Washington. The question asked... Can you make me a cherry pie?

Eric: John F. Kennedy - Seriously, Dude .... Marilyn Monroe. I want all the dirty details!

Stephanie: I’d ask any/all of them – Why did you bother? Seriously, I am finding so much joy in blaming Obama for my toilet breaking down last week….

Jen: I would ask Abraham Lincoln if he ever thought about trying to cut that giant mole off his face. My ex had one of those hiding under his beard and every time he trimmed it, I swear it was staring at me.

Starr: This one has me stumped. On the one hand, I could honestly give a rat’s ass what any politician has to say about anything. Zero fucks.

But on the other hand, I am pondering what a date with JFK would be like. I could ask him if he really had ties to the Mafia, slept with Marilyn, or what the hell; if he’d care to spend the night with me. Because, let’s all be honest here folks, JFK was fucking hot.

But, on second thought, I’d just ask Obama why he’s such a twatwaffle. Was he born a stupid douche bag or was it something he had to learn and perfect over time, something he really had to work at?

Phil: Mr Lincoln, looking back on it, do you have any regrets about attending the theater that night?

3. What book would you like to be sucked into and live out the remainder of your life in? And why? If you name 50 Shades of Grey, I will personally beat you with a dead cat.

Rich: What's a book? Oh, I remember. "Dracula" by Bram Stoker. Why? Because since all the vampires were dead in it at the end, I would never have to see another cable re-run of any of the damn "Twilight" movie or Kristen Stewart again!

Gary: I’d love to be sucked into the 19th century Britain as depicted by Thomas Hardy in Far from the Madding Crowd. I’d be a Seargent Captain Troy type, wooing the aloof and beautiful Bathsheba Everdene with my spectacular swordsmanship. Once she surrenders to my rugged charm, I bend her over a fallen oak tree and, one by one, lift each of her four underskirts. She gasps as, with one swipe of my sabre, her lacy knickerbockers are removed and sent flapping like an ungainly swan over Casterbridge wood… …

But on second thoughts, maybe not; I believe they rarely washed in those days, so she’d probably smell like a sumo’s arse-crack!

Stacy: I am going to say 50 Shades of Grey!!! Just kidding. I was just wondering what it would be like to be beaten with a dead cat. Honestly, there is not one single book that I read that I would like to live the remainder of my life in. Mostly because the books I read are sick and twisted. Think V.C. Andrews. Those people are seriously screwed up, but it is like a car wreck and I just can't look away! I also like Janet Evanovich books, particularly the Plum series, but I would hate to live out my life where every car I own gets blown up. (Wait - I am already living out that book! In 2014 my husband went through 3 cars. Thank God the last one has a warranty on it!)

Eric: The Delta Airlines Safety Information Pamphlet - Because no matter what happens, there's always a safe way out.

Honestly, I can't think of a real book I'd like to live in because my taste in literature is kinda friggin' twisted. Does Penthouse Forums count?

Stephanie: Please allow me to join in on the dead cat beating…as a person who keeps hearing about this Master Dom Grey…um, let me say that I wouldn’t spend a dime on this piece of crap book or seeing the movie. And yes, I can say that because I very well understand this lifestyle…so suck my whip 50 Shades, and I’m very, very disappointed in the few peeps in the community who are supporting this joke…‘Nuff said…To answer the question, I guess I may as well say 1984…since it’s where we live now and all…

Jen: I think the Alice in Wonderland series would suit me well. There's nonsense, craziness, and possible nudity. Not to mention that everyone is on drugs. I'd just have to figure out how to make my own wine and I could live happily ever after with the Cheshire Cat and the Mad Hatter.

Starr: *steps onto soap box* Like I’d chose to live the remainder of my life stuck in an abusive relationship with a misogynistic sociopath. *steps down*

I would have to choose either the True Blood books or the Anita Blake novels. Both are well written series that are a paranormal dream come true and include everything from vampires and were-animals to fairies and magic. A veritable playground for me.

Phil: World War Z. Becoming a zombie killer would be groovy. That, and not having to go to work or pay taxes. Just lopping off zombie heads each day like Michonne on The Walking Dead. Ahhh......that's the life.

4. In your opinion, who is the hottest yet most under-appreciated actor/actress? And what is your sexual fantasy with them?

Rich: This would have to be Milana Vayntrub. She's the girl on the AT&T Commercials that's always selling her services. I would love to walk into that store, have her approach me, and pull me into a back room discussing her various personal servicing plans and desired usage for my tower. Alas, it will never happen. I'm a Sprint customer.

Gary: Kate Winslett of Titanic fame/infamy. I’ve always had a penchant for a posh bird, particularly when she’s playing a balsy character – as she often does. In the little-known film Quills (2000) she plays the Marqui De Sade’s chambermaid; oh what I’d give to play her master. And she was in period dress again … … ah, underskirts being lifted, knickerbockers ripped away - excuse me while I take a bathroom break!

My fantasy? Kate is stalking me. I play hard to get, but she’s persistent. She follows me onto a luxury cruise liner and one night, when my wife has retired early, she snares me on the poop deck and leads me back to her cabin. As a much more experienced lover than Leonardo, the porthole glass doesn’t only steam up with condensation, but floods with rivulets of pulsating passion.

Stacy: Ewan McGreggor. I am not sure if he is under-appreciated or not, but I like the fact that he is able to take on a variety of different roles. Some of his movies are just crazy and so different. My sexual fantasy with him - 50 Shades of Grey!!! Just kidding. I was seeing if I would get beat with a dead cat again! Really, I have to biggest crush on him because of his voice. Think Moulin Rouge. Why don't guys belt out songs like that in real life. My heart melts a little each time I hear his voice! So, if he could just sing to me, that would be great. Not sexual enough for you... well, he could do it naked! :)

Eric: The actress that plays Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds. She's awesome and funny and adorable and my sexual fantasy (it's more of a FOR her rather than WITH her) is that Agent Morgan will stop being a fucking douchenozzle and just go ahead and HIT that already! Cut the girl some slack, Morgan!!

Stephanie: Bridget the Midget for sure! Have you seen the shiz that little gal can do? And for sure, I’d love to have a threesome/whatever with her. I’m sure my ego would be ‘stunted’ by her awesome performance though….

Jen: I don't really pay attention to any of the goings-on in Hollywood because I don't care. I have too much going on in my life to worry about what famous people are using to wipe their asses with, though I hope it's not rabbits. As far as sexual fantasies go, I'd just be happy to get someone to feel me up at this point.

Starr: There are so many under-appreciated actors I simply adore. This is like asking me to choose a favorite child, book, or movie!

I can’t. I simply can not choose.

Besides, I fantasize more about fictional characters than I do “real people”. (That’s in quotations because I have yet to ascertain if actors are actual humans.)

Phil: Jennifer Coolidge. She is such a sexy cougar, funny, and is the original MILF. She would do damage to you in the bedroom. Or the shower. Or a bubble bath. Or on the kitchen floor. In the pool. On the dining room table. You name it. Excuse me while I go take a long cold shower now.......

5. List your top three guilty pleasures. We’ll only judge you on a sliding scale.

Rich: I really don't have guilty pleasures. I'm too old. There's fantasies, of course, but nothing that I really want to act out on anymore. I'd love to be able to smoke dope again, but my medicine prohibits that, I never really drank much, nor have I ever needed a sock to masturbate with (unlike Gary S.). Actually, with all the adrenalin junkie stuff I've done in my life, the only guilty pleasure I have left is just living. I should have been dead decades ago.

Gary: My top three guilty pleasures:

1. Picking crusty cobs from deep within my nostrils, particularly those that, with each breath, rattle like loose roof timber in a gale.

2. Scratching my oversized bollocks. (Don’t judge me; women will never understand the irritation level associated with those hairy scrotal folds).

3. Drinking milk straight out of the bottle each night before I retire to bed.

Stacy: Top three guilty pleasures - oh that is a hard one.... let's see.

1. Swiss Cake Rolls. Seriously, I could eat a box a day!! I used to when I was in the Army. They are just so yummy and delicious. Why oh why must they be so good!

2. Working out - but I don't feel guilty about that. I just really love a good sweat session! At times I get a little obsessed and can do several a day. This goes hand in hand with workout gadgets. I am kind of obsessed with them. Those kettle bells, workout balls, torso tiger, total gym, workout videos.... My husband says most people have a porn box but I have a workout box. Is that a healthy obsession? I can name a lot but I fear most people won't know these gadgets. I seriously just invested in a skip-it for adults. I also have a sports hula hoop. I can't get enough!

3. Musicals. I once went through a stage where the only DVDs I bought were musicals. I seriously think life would be more entertaining if people randomly broke out into song. I watch them, I collect them, and I make my husband watch them with me. My favorites - Dr. Horrible's Musical Blog and The Dead Inside. If you haven't watched either of these... you must. The first one is because it is attached to blogging... and well... so am I. The second because it is attached to zombies... and who doesn't like a good zombie story. I guess zombies are also a guilty pleasure. One of the books I am currently working on is a zombie book. One of these days I will finish it. You should buy it (and my other books) so I can be a famous writer instead of a penniless one!

Eric: In no particular order:

Easy Cheese - Because it's a cheeselike product, in an aerosol can.

Lego video games - my inner child insists upon them.

Masturbating - Because, well duh.

Stephanie: I’m hard pressed to feel guilty about anything because I choose to own the shit…but I guess three things I would hoard in the event of the apocalypse they would be: Batteries, KY, and sex toys. Hey, judge me all you want but I’ve been single for years, and masturbation keeps you from fucking the WRONG person, so I’m a huge fan…lol

Jen: Wine, masturbating, and picking my nose, but not necessarily in that order, and usually not at the same time.

Starr: Nicolas Spark novels

Netflix binging shows such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Gilmore Girls, and Glee

Eating sliced deli ham right out of the bag while lying in bed with one of the above.

Phil: Bacon

Bacon + booze

Bacon + booze + sex that involves restraints, cuffs, oils, and role play.

6. Where do you see yourself in two years and how do you plan on getting there? Underwear is optional. Bonus points if you plan on being in the porn industry.

Rich: In two years, I can see myself as the winner on "The Bachelor", sneezing as roses are given out and having a heart attack when the relationship is over.

Gary: At the moment I’m a 56-year-old man who has both a warped sense of humor and hemorrhoids. In two years’ time I’ll be a 58-year-old man with a warped sense of humor and hemorrhoids. Such is the height of my ambition!

I’d consider the porn industry but, alas, my nadger is not the obligatory 8 inches.

Stacy: I don't plan. In two years I see myself still alive. I haven't been told I have any type of incurable sicknesses, other than the ones in my head. Last I checked you can't die because you are crazy (although it really depends on that level of crazy!) I will update if I get too crazy. I plan on getting there by waking up one day at a time, because frankly, no one has invented a real time machine. If not, I will skip ahead. Why? Because would you pass up a chance to ride in a time machine? Didn't think so. Curiosity would naturally get the best of me. However, my molecules would probably get rearranged and then I would be funnier looking then I am now!

Eric: Living back in North Carolina again, with Denise. Once my Fed. Gov't position is locked in and I can transfer. Still writing my blog and associating myself with the rest of you nutjobs.

Stephanie: Hmmm…I’m a Starchild and the God/Goddess of my own ‘reality,’ and Fringe and Stargate don’t have shit on me…So, I could be anywhere in the cosmos…And you all are welcome…but, panties are NOT allowed in any of my universal realms…unless you want a REAL spanking that makes that “50 Shades” debacle look like a Whiter Shade of Pale (Procol Harum version of course – no offense Annie.)

Jen: In two years, I'd like to own a taxidermy shop full of strange creatures, but I'm broke and have horrible credit, so I'm pretty sure the only way I'll be able to accomplish that would be to murder someone with an established business and assume their identity by wearing their skin around. Then I'd pretend to marry me and die mysteriously, leaving everything to the real me.

Starr: In two years, I will own and operate a successful content writing, social media marketing, and writer services company. It will be so successful in fact, that I’ll just be the boss and peons will do all of the work while I write my stories. I will have published several serials on Amazon, and be close to banging out the full length novel. I shall live in Arizona with my boys and some cats. And by “some cats” I mean a lot of cats. We’re talking crazy cat lady, here.

Bonus points: Some of those series will be erotica.

Phil: In two years I plan on working in circus clown midget porn as a lead actor. I'll work my way up the ranks from underwater tranny acrobat porn, to amazonian woman strap-on cosplay porn, to furry fetish golden shower porn. After earning my way through the industry my money shot will arrive!

7. Its night and you’re on your way home. You stop at a red light. Glancing over at the convertible that pulls up next to you, you notice that the driver has a perverted smile plastered on his face. Then the head bobbing up and down in his laps draws your attention. How do you react?

Rich: I'd look over to my right, see my wife, lose any chance of ever having a woody, and drive away with tearful eyes, lost hopes, and contemplation of suicide when the light changed.

Gary: That’s obvious! I’d wonder what his wife is repeatedly searching for in the glove compartment. Wouldn’t everyone?

Stacy: My first reaction... give them a thumbs up. Hey - why not! Obviously they are enjoying themselves.

My second reaction.... to flash them. Why? Because I think it would be funny to see what the reaction back would be. Don't judge!

Eric: Start taking a video with my phone just before I shout something encouraging, yet embarrassing enough so the girl looks up and gets caught on video too. Then make a blog post about it, including video. Because I'm an ass like that.

Stephanie: Here in Houston this actually happens frequently. I smile back, hold up my phone and shrug my shoulders – my way of asking if I can take a pic. They almost always nod yes back. It’s great masturbation material for later, especially if you can get a good shot.

Jen: I would definitely return the perverted smile. Then I'd headbang while playing my air guitar and floor it as soon as the light turned green, because he's obviously being distracted from the road. I don't want to die in a fiery car crash because some dude was getting road head.

Starr: I’d smile, wave, and give the dude a thumbs up. If I was in the right mood, I’d even holler out, “Way to go!”

Phil: I smile, honk the horn, and give two thumbs up! More power to him. I might also jump out of the car and start taking selfies of me and the bobbing head!

Blogger Profiles:


Rich: Bio: Writer, Blogger, Comedian, Sith of Sarcasm, and typical ass. A traveler into the world of fiction, fantasy and 50 Shades of Sleeping. A realist and survivor of too many years. Attended Indiana University by candlelight and oil lantern. Currently resides in the hostile land of UK fans in Kentucky.
That's Life ... Sometimes!
http://richrumple.blogspot.com/
@richrumple1


Gary: Gary is a freelance writer and trainer who, in 2013, opted for early retirement following 33 years of continuous employment in the UK’s psychiatric services. His writing focus is shared between criticisms of western psychiatry, general interest articles and humor. He has had work published in The Oldie and Northern Life (popular UK magazines). He also writes a humor blog entitled Bryan Jones’ Diary – the ramblings of a menopausal man. You can check out his blog at: http://brianjonesdiary-menopausalman.blogspot.co.uk/ Further humorous ramblings can be found at http://www.bubblews.com/account/108867-gsidley


Stacy: Stacy Harris is a wife to a wonderful husband who has been by her side for 15 years. She has three children, two daughters who are currently in double digits making her feel old, (12 soon to be 13 and one that just turned 10), and a 5 year old boy who keeps her on her toes constantly. She spent 5 years in the Army as a photojournalist, which has strengthened her love for writing and photography. She has a passion for family, health, writing, photography, travel and sarcasm.


Currently, she resides in Pulaski, WI with her lovely, but crazy family. She works full-time at The Barbershop - A Hair Salon For Men. In her free time, which seems to be lacking, she attempts to write, sometimes on the blog and sometimes on her books that she is working on publishing. She is also working on her bachelor's in Communication, which she swears has made her more spacey than smart.


You can check out her crazy antics on her blog at http://ramblingsofanundiagnosedmadwoman.blogspot.com.
If you would like to read her first published book, check out http://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Day-Stacy-Harris-ebook/dp/B00CS74QOY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1423851296&sr=8-1&keywords=Mother%27s+Day%2C+Stacy+Harris. Currently, Stacy is working on her second and third book which will hopefully be available before she dies!


She is also a Beachbody Coach (after all, check out the guilty pleasures section). I haven't been too active at it and do it mostly for my personal discount, but if you would like to support her so she can some additional money to invest in more workout gadgets, you can check out her site http://www.beachbodycoach.com/barbergirl28


Eric: My name is Eric and I have an official document from the US Government that states that I am mentally unstable. Ironically enough, they required me to have it before they would hire me. This should explain many things for you. Revel in my instability at www.opticynicism.com and follow me on Twitter @Opticynicism


Stephanie: Hahahaha…not gonna happen!! Muah!


Jen: Jeneral Insanity is a self-proclaimed crazy lady and a mother of three. Jen can often be found having a deep conversation with inanimate objects or squirrels while drinking too much coffee or wine. You can stalk her blog (jeneralinsanity.wordpress.com), on Facebook (facebook.com/JenzBrain) or Twitter (twitter.com/jeneralinsanity) if you want, but she frequently forgets her passwords.

Starr: If the bio is too long feel free to edit and chop chop, just please be sure to leave in the important stuff, like SM, my kids, that I freelance, and SO IMPORTANT: the part about being a vampire. :)
www.theinsomniacsdream.com
https://www.facebook.com/sleepybard
@sleepybard

Phil: Phil is an advertising and sales guru with close to 20 years in the biz. With a varied background which includes stints as a certified personal trainer, bartender, small business owner, ad rep, publisher and writer, I bring my overall life knowledge, opinions, humor, and everyday experiences to light here. With a knack for “telling it like it is”, my outlook on life comes from a “guy’s guy” standpoint and real experience. Whether it be dining, drinking, culture, sports, life, or just plain having fun my viewpoints come from a keen eye and mindset.


Take it from a life long New Yorker – it’s never normal!


Blog - http://blog.theregularguynyc.com/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/TheRegularGuyNyc
Twitter - @RegularGuyNYC

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